IT JUST TAKES TIME

 

These oranges are in a process right now.  They are slowly ripening, but it takes times.  It doesn't happen overnight.  In fact when we are out in Arizona in February the oranges are ripe and bright orange, by the time we leave in March the new blossoms are filling the trees.  It's an 11 month process for an orange to ripen on the tree.  This also depends on the proper conditions, and fertilizer and water.  It's a waiting game but the reward is so tasty!!!!

"Good things come to those who wait" This old saying is very true but it's not easy to wait on God when you're praying for a miracle.  I want to hear "Sean has been healed...it has to be a miracle from God."   I believe it will happen but I want it NOW!   I feel like the spoiled girl in the movie "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"   You know the one who says..."I want an Oompa Loompa and I want it now daddy!"  Well sometimes that is probably how my prayers sound to God.  Okay I can laugh about that because it's true.  Just like these green oranges take time to ripen, sometimes miracles take time to come true.  

Waiting, trusting, believing, and patience....miracles takes time, healing takes time.  I will be honest this process can seem very daunting and rather sucky at times.  I don't mind waiting, don't get me wrong, but when you're talking about one of my family's health I don't want to wait, I want it now!!!  Is there a magic genie somewhere that will grant me 3 wishes?  Is there a magic potion to give Sean that will wipe this junk out of his body?  Of course I'm being silly but sometimes my mind wanders into these absurd areas.  Am I the only one who thinks up these questions?  

BUT GOD...knows where I'm coming from.  BUT GOD...knows my heart.  BUT GOD...loves Sean in spite (or maybe because) of his goofy mom.  BUT GOD....BUT GOD...BUT GOD...steps into where I am and reassures me that He is in control.  I just have to keep waiting and trusting and believing.   I've got to stop pounding my head on the floor and surrender my son to God's Almighty plan and purpose.  So I lay my son at the foot of the cross and allow God to do what I cannot and I just have to trust in Him and His timing.    

LIFE IS LIKE A......

 

"My mom always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.”...Forrest Gump

These 3 precious grandchildren....you never know what you're gonna get...they have a keen sense of humor and love to play tricks, so beware!!  They are so much fun and it's always an adventure to be with them.   That's life isn't it?   Well, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get, that is until you bite into it or break it open.  Unless you have a box of chocolates with  a diagram that tells you which chocolate with which filling is in what space.  My grandma Roberts always gave me chocolates for Christmas but the one she gave me always had a diagram so you knew hat you'd get.  But life does not always come with a diagram, and there is no directions.  These 3 cuties came with no instruction manual and neither did I when I was born.  

Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get.  I never imagined in my wildest dreams, or nightmares, that I would be watching one of my children deal with "c".  I did my best during their life to feed them good food, I took them to the doctors, and on top of all of that I prayed for their health daily.  So what happened?  How did this happen to my baby boy?  I don't understand why.  It can be so frustrating to try to figure these things out, in fact it's impossible. It's hard for me to explain but I am sick and tired of trying to figure things out.  In fact I am done trying to figure things out.

It's sort of funny to me when I finally stop trying to figure out what's going on and why, there is a peace that surpasses all understanding.  It's not up to me to figure out what's happening or why, it's my job to trust in God and believe in His ways, even if I don't always agree.  God's ways are so much higher than mine.  His thoughts, His plans are so much better than mine.  I don't always understand and to be honest I don't always like His plans, but I trust in them and I trust in Him.  

While this journey is not fun, it has helped me connect with God in a very profound way...He is with me like I've never experienced Him before.  His presence is very real to me.  As I sit here and type His Holy Spirit lives in me and has empowered me to stand in faith during this time.  There is a song by CeCe Winans called..."Believe For It!"  It has greatly inspired me to keep believing in miracles because my God is the God of the impossible.  And while I said there was no instruction manual, I lied....there is the best instruction manual in the world...The Bible!!  It will guide us through any stage in life, it has greatly helped me during this time.  It can help you also, whether it raising your children, or dealing with a storm.  

So eat some chocolate, enjoy this Holy time of year and don't worry or fret about what's in the chocolate....

 

WATCH OUT...I'M COMING FOR YOU

 

Watch out Satan....you can't handle what the power of God can do through a mother that is filled with the Holy Spirit!!  The Spirit of the living God lives in me and His power and strength flows through me.  There is no power in hell that can stand against the power of my God!!!  Not today!  Not any day!  My God is an awesome God who reigns in Heaven and Earth.  Whether you believe in God or not, He reigns!  He is in control!  The same power who raised Jesus from the dead...that power lives in me through the Holy Spirit!!!  That gives me access to the supernatural power of God!   That gives me confidence I cannot have in my own power, for when I am weak, He is strong.   One of my favorites....

Isaiah 40: 28-31  Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak.  Even youth will grow tired and weary, and young men will stumble and fall, BUT those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.  

This storm will not defeat me.   The enemy has whispered in my ears many times in the last 3 months "You're not strong enough to withstand this storm."  And i will admit there are times I don't feel strong enough and if I may be 100% honest....I'm not strong enough to handle this storm...BUT GOD is!!  It is His strength I rely on.  It is His power at work in me that has gotten me to this point in this journey.  It's not easy, it's not for the faint at heart BUT GOD is with me.  God is in control, not me and certainly not the enemy.  The thing is the enemy thinks he's in control....he's delusional.  Satan is a liar, a thief and a deceiver.  He will do whatever he can to try to steal, kill and destroy me...BUT GOD has me in the palm of His hands.  

I seriously don't know how people get through this without God.  Without my faith and belief I would be lost.  God is my strength!  God is my refuge!  God is my fortress!   God is my rock!!  God is my heavenly Daddy!!  

"I AM A CHILD OF GOD, A WOMAN OF FAITH, A WARRIOR OF CHRIST

I AM THE STORM!!!!"   

CHOOSE JOY? SERIOUSLY? NOW?

 It’s that time of year!   The Christmas Season is now upon us.  As the celebration of the birth of my Savior draws near, my thoughts probe deeper into being in the presence of Jesus Christ.  Why is it that it sometimes takes trials to draw closer to my Lord?  Especially this time of year?  Why does it sometimes take a trial or a holiday to draw closer to God?  I mean He is always on my mind and in my heart but sometimes I guess I just need to be stirred up, you know what I mean?  I can get so comfortable in my warm and toasty home watching Hallmark movies that I forget to sit in His presence, I forget to read His Word and I can get lost “doing Christmas stuff”.   That makes me sad to admit that, but I’m human and I am a sinner.

Life is a journey of ups and downs and this year is no exception.   But instead of me focusing on Sean’s disease, I’m going to do my best to focus on the here and now.  Instead of being mad or depressed I’m going to choose joy.  Being in the very presence of Jesus Christ has changed me for the better I hope.  Finding my joy in Him takes focus on what’s wrong.  While it’s not as easy for others to choose joy, I’ve made a decision to embrace life and live it to the fullest.   I could easily look back with regrets and dwell on what’s wrong with Sean, and what’s wrong with this world, but why?  Why should I waste one second dwelling on the negative?   Isn’t there enough negativity is this world?  I want to focus on the endless possibilities that Jesus Christ died to give me.  

I choose joy!   I choose hope!  I choose life!   I have not seen my son depressed of questioning God.   Sean has a hope that lives deep in his heart.  There is a trust that God will work through the doctors to heal him.  I stand in awe of my son and what he is going through, I honestly don’t know if I could go through what he’s going through.  His strength and determination comes from God.  His healing will also come through God.  Sean was baptized as a baby but I’ll never forget that Christmas Eve service at Cedar Creek Church where my son officially gave his life over to Jesus Christ, it was the best Christmas gift I ever received.   He has the promise of eternity in Heaven.  For that fact alone….I choose JOY!  

We all have choices to make, joy or sorrow, anger or repentance, fear or faith, believe in Jesus Christ or not.  As this year slowly draws to a close I want to challenge you all to choose joy!  It may not always be easy to choose joy but it’s so much more rewarding.  

THE FOG HAS LIFTED..IT'S TIME FOR A BATTLE

 

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in me and my thoughts and struggles during this time that I lose focus of others who are struggling.  I know my daughters are struggling with what is going on with Sean, I know Meghan has to be struggling with what is happening.  We are family and we will get through this together with God leading the way.  For 3 months now there has been a fog that has clouded my judgement and my thinking.  I have allowed that fog to permeate my mind.  My thoughts have not been what they usually are and that is causing me troubles until this morning when God brought me to Psalm 40- read it after you're done with this blog.  It changed my heart and my thoughts.

I need to wait patiently on my Lord.  He has heard my cries and my prayers.  He has done so many miracles in my life and the life of my family that I began to doubt His plan, I been to fear that His plan was not my plan...which is true...His plan is not even close to my plan, it's always better.  At least it has been for me.  Even when I doubt, even when I am fearful, He always comes through.  It may not be what I would like but He has always been faithful and I believe He will be faithful in healing Sean.  The thing I kept forgetting to do it raise my sword of the Spirit...the Word of God.

I need to arm myself for battle with the enemy, the deceiver, the liar.  Oh trust me God will fight this battle and He will ultimately win, but I need to arm myself because I cannot stand against the strategies of Satan without the proper armor. I need the belt of God's truth, I need the breastplate of His righteousness, I need the shoes to spread the good news about Jesus, I need a shield of faith knowing God's got me in the palm of His hands, I need the helmet of Salvation...Jesus Christ is my Savior, and I need to wield the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God...my Bible!!!  God will fight my battles but my responsibility to to put on His armor every day.

I forgot thee things.  I was so caught up in what was going on I lost sight of the impossible...what God is doing in Sean's body and mind and heart.  I will fight on my knees armed for battle with God's Holy armor.  I will not fight a war that He has already won, I surrender myself, Sean and my family to my God and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.   All I can say is watch out Satan I am now armed and dangerous!!!

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WHAT LOAD ARE YOU CARRYING?

 

My sweet Shelby loves to carry things in her arms.  For the most part she only carries what she can handle but there are occasions that she thinks she can carry a load that is way too big for her.  Life is like that many times in our lives.  We get so used to carry the load that we don’t realize the load is way too much for us to bear.  We get overwhelmed and burdened to the point of collapsing and then we fall apart.  It has happened to me many times especially recently with all that Sean is going through.  I try to find solutions that maybe he doesn’t want to listen to, (I am still his mom) or I try to hide my tears so he doesn’t see me fall apart or I just keep carrying my fears without letting them out because I still believe in miracles and how can I believe in miracles and still have fears and doubts?

I’m human.  I am a believer in Jesus Christ and I know miracles happen every day.  I have experienced them first hand.  But what load am I carrying that God has told me to let go of?  Then I begin to feel overwhelmed because if this is what I’m feeling, what is Sean feeling?   Is he carrying to big of a load?  It’s hard for me to imagine as a mom, watching my son deal with issues I have never dealt with.  I don’t want him carrying a load that he is not designed to carry.  I want to take it all away and carry it myself, but I can’t.   I can’t…BUT GOD can and He will, if we let go of it and give it to Him.

BUT GOD….BUT GOD….BUT GOD

He can make the impossible possible. He can do what only He can do.  He can carry the load we try to carry.  When we place our load, our burdens in His Mighty hands, He does the impossible.  But….we have to do what we can do.  We can’t just sit on the sidelines and hand all our burdens to God without doing our part also.   What can we do?  Pray!  Investigate all the endless possibilities that is out there.  In Sean’s case, there are numerous doctors with numerous opinions, there are natural doctors who rely on God’s healing plants along with medicine, there are so many options to check into BUT GOD…will direct the path if we let Him.  

Life is a journey that takes us down roads we never imagined. BUT GOD…with Him as our GPS system, we can’t make a wrong turn.  I trust in God!   I give Him the load I cannot carry any longer.  I lay my burdens at the foot of the cross and surrender it all to Him!  

THANKSGIVING IN THE MIDST OF A STORM?

 

Thanksgiving in the midst of the storm the enemy is throwing at us?  Is that possible?  YES!!!  It's not only possible for me it's mandatory.  I know my mind and my heart work differently than most people.  I will continue to Praise God in the Storm.  In fact I realize with what my son is going through that it's so very easy to praise God when everything is going great.  When there is no curves on the road I'm traveling, praise comes easy.  When I'm headed towards a cliff, when a hurricane size storm is my reality, praise can be difficult, but it's the only thing that refreshes my soul and gives me the strength and power I need to endure this storm.  Praise....Thanksgiving is my necessity!  It is mandatory for me right now!!

What do I have to be thankful for you may ask?  Well if I may list just a few it would be these things... I am grateful for the doctors who are treating Sean,  I am thankful for the treatments that are helping him, I am thankful this was discovered when it was, but most of all I am so thankful to God for bringing Meghan into Sean's life for such a time as this.  Her faithfulness to God and Sean is something I witness constantly.  Her strength is amazing and her love for Sean I prayed for and to be honest, I am awestruck by her devotion to God and Sean.  These are just a very few things that I am thankful for.  If I would list all the things I have to be thankful for I would be writing the list for years. 

It's so easy to dwell on what's wrong, what's hard, what's difficult.  It's so easy to get lost in the negative.  Yes, there are times, if I am honest, I can get lost in the negative, BUT GOD...reminds me of the blessings in my life.  I could dwell on Sean's prognosis or I can dwell on the healing power of God.  I could dwell in anger at a good God who would do this to my boy, or I can what a blessing Sean is to me.  There are so many choices I get to make in my lifetime and right now I choose to praise God. 

There is something about praising God that just lifts my Spirit and makes my heart happy.  Praise always makes us feel better.  Think about how great you feel when someone gives you a compliment...it makes you feel better doesn't it?  There is something about praising God especially in the midst of a storm.  So tomorrow I will give thanks to God for my son Sean and I will thank God for His continuing healing at work in Sean's body.  I will give thanks for my family; Jerry, Beky, Jeff, Zakkary, Zoey, Amanda, Kelly, Nicholas, Brooklyn, Kristen, Ryan, Sadie, Kyle, Shelby, Sean and Meghan.  

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU ALL!

 

ROUND ONE—-COMPLETE

 Round one is complete!   Sean got to ring the bell signaling the completion of round one!  While this journey is far from over, this was a good day.  We were able to celebrate one victory!  It was good to rejoice today.  I never thought about the significance of this bell ringing but for me it was awesome to experience with my son and the rest of our family.   Family has taken on a new dimension for us in light of this journey.   To see my daughters take off work to be there for their brother was touching.   I always hoped and prayed that we would be a strong family but we’ve never been tested like this before.  Let me just brag on my children for a moment, indulge me please.  

My daughters set up a go fund me account, they have created and paid for the #SeanStrong bracelets, they have had t-shirts and sweatshirts made and sold to support Sean and Meghan, they have set up meals to be delivered 3 days a week, and they have cooked for them, a grandson made sure their grass was cut, then one of my daughters work hosted a fundraiser.   It has been so heart warming for this momma’s heart to see them all unite in their efforts to help Sean but also unite in prayer.  Every night we pray Psalm 91 for Sean.  I am blown away by their love and support, but to be honest I’m not surprised.   We did our best to raise them to understand that family is extremely important.   

As we all as a family try to gather our thoughts and make plans to celebrate the holidays, my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride.  I can’t lie…some days are difficult then God reminds me that He is in control and I have to keep trusting in Him.  I know this simple truth that I cling to…my God is well aware of what’s going on, He didn’t cause this to happen to Sean but somehow He will work it all out for His glory and my God still heals and performs miracles every day.   My faith has helped me so much during this time, even when I’m struggling with my emotions, God has held me and comforted me through His Holy Spirit.   

I am so grateful to each and every one of you who are praying and helping in any way possible.  So many people stop and ask me about Sean and while his journey is far from over, he has kept smiling and enjoying his new life as a husband.  Please keep praying!   

IT'S OKAY TO NOT ALWAYS BE OKAY

 It's okay to not always be okay.  It's okay to cry.  I don't always have to be "Great" or even "good".  Right now there are days I feel sad and overwhelmed.  That does not mean my faith in God is less it just means that I am in a difficult season of life.  I still have faith that God will perform a miracle and heal Sean, I know He can, but it's just hard watching this process and sitting on the sidelines.  Like I said before, I cannot do anything to make this better.  I cannot wave a magic wand and make this "c" disappear.  I'd like to be able to but God is not a magic Jeannie in a bottle.  He does things His way and in is timing.  I trust in Him, I really do, it's just difficult at times.

The thing I need to watch out for is not to get caught up in this trap of pity and sadness.  That's what the enemy would love for me to do right now.  He wants me overwhelmed with Sean's present circumstances and to be honest occasionally I do that is until I hear that still, small voice whispering in my ear..."I've got Sean in the palm of my hands.  Trust in me.  Surrender Sean to me."  I know God has my son.  I trust in Him but I'm human and I try to change things I have no power to change. So what do I do when I can't change things?  I pray!!!!

Prayer for me, especially right now in this season of my life, it recharges me and reconnects me to the only one who can heal Sean.  Prayer restores my faith and boosts my emotions.  How?  Well read the Bible!  There are so many times God answered the prayers of His faithful believers.  Look at the things He has done that is just documented in the Bible....He parted the Red Sea, He healed the lame and gave sight to the blind.  He made the deaf hear and He healed the lepers.  He also raised the dead.  There is nothing that my God cannot do.

 There are so many people out there going through worse situations than our family.  I cannot imagine what it would be like to go through these trials without my faith in God.  I would be a basket case.  Jerry would have to have me locked up in the looney bin.  But aside from God there are also my family and friends, especially church friends who help to build up my faith, they also allow me to cry on their shoulders.  There are certain friends who check in on me, they are my Jesus with skin on.  Listen most of the time I'm doing fine and enjoying life but there are times when I'm not okay, and that's okay.  Life is a journey of ups and downs.  No matter what I'm going through, God's got me and He always sends His human angels to listen to me and hold me.   It's okay to not always be okay. 

I AM SURROUNDED BY GRACE

Life is short.  None of us know how long we will be alive on this earth.  Why are we wasting so much time being angry, offended and separated from loved ones?  With all Sean has been going through this lesson for me rings so true.  Family and friendships are so important, too important to allow differences to separate us!  

I am Surrounded by grace.

 My girls (yes Meghan is one of my girls.  I didn’t give birth to her but she is my daughter), my granddaughters, my female tribe that surrounds me is a force to be afraid of.  Together we can do mighty things for God and our family.  We have fought sicknesses together, we have praised God together, we have supported each other through many trials and storms.  The thing about these girls is we all stand together.   We may not vote the same, we may not discipline our children the same way, we may not agree on everything except one big thing….WE ARE FAMILY!  The old saying…United we stand, divided we fall is one of my strong beliefs.  

We are family, there will be differences.  God made us all unique.  How boring would life be if everyone was exactly the same?  If everyone believed the same?  If everyone voted the same? If everyone looked the same?  That would be terrible.  But what is also terrible is allowing our differences, our unique qualities, to divide and destroy families and friendships.  Do we really expect everyone to believe as we do?  And if they don’t than we can’t be friends or be around them?  What ever happened to grace?

If God can give us grace and accept us with all our unique quirkiness, why can’t we accept others?  I mean truly, God knows our deepest, darkest secrets.  You know those secrets we try to hide from God and others?  You know those sins we are so ashamed of that we have a hard time even confessing them to God?  He knows them all, He knows us better than we know ourselves.  In fact He knows we’re honing to sin before we do, yet He gives us grace when we believe in His Son Jesus Christ.   If He can give us grace, why can’t we give grace to our family and friends?

I sit back and think about my children and all the mistakes they have made in their lives, yet I give them grace.   Why?  Well they give me grace.  I was not the perfect parent, not even close.  I screwed up, I forgot things I should have remembered, I yelled when I shouldn’t have, and so on and so on.  Life is messy and we are all unique failures.  Why not allow grace to flow through us to other unique failures like ourselves?

IT’S SNOWING

 

The simple, serene beauty of snow.  The purity of the white snow covers a multitude of junk that is hidden beneath it.  As I look at the beauty of the snow I am reminded of God’s eternal and amazing grace that also covers a multitude of my junk, my sins.  His grace does not dwell on what lies beneath, His grace looks at the purity of Jesus’s death on the cross.  Jesus’s blood has covered all my sins up and washed them away.   His grace looks at my brokenness and failures and sees Jesus!  His grace touches my sorrow and turns it into joy.  My weeping has been turned into dancing.  In my weakness, His strength prevails through me.   When I am lost in a sea of despair, He finds me and restores my soul.  

You see this journey I am on right now as a mother of a son who has “c” is not easy.  I’m sure it’s not easy for Sean, I know it’s not easy for him, but as a mom I’m used to taking care of my children and bandaging their wounds and kissing their booboos and making them all better….I can’t do that with this.  I can’t kiss away the pain, I can’t make it better, BUT GOD can.  Sometimes I get lost on what I can’t do instead of focusing on what I can do…PRAY.  Also I can just be there to listen and help physically any way I can.  The thing I have to constantly refocus on is this simple truth…I cannot change Sean’s circumstances, BUT GOD can.  I cannot heal Sean, BUT GOD can.  

You may eventually get tired of all my BUT GOD moments, but I won’t stop, sorry.  To me these BUT GOD moments daily remind me that He is in control of all of this.  It reminds me that no matter what happens I need to rely on Him and Him alone!  These BUT GOD truths are just what I need to focus on, these are the truths that I cling to.  His grace, His sovereignty, His power is at work in all of our lives right now.  I have no idea what the future holds for me let alone for anyone else, BUT GOD does.  

BUT GOD…loves Sean more than I do.  BUT GOD…has a perfect plan for Sean’s life. BUT GOD….already knows Sean’s future.  That is what I believe and trust in.  If you have never truly experienced the goodness of my God I ask you to please message me so I can guide you into an experience you will NEVER regret. If you are going through struggles with health issues and need an ear to listen, I am here.  If you need to scream or cry or vent, I will listen.   If you long to join me in praising a God who never fails….join me.  

BUT GOD......

Where have I been?  I know you're all wondering where I've been.  Well my 90 year old mom, who lives out in Arizona, had to have a pacemaker put in so I had to rush out to be with her and help her and I left my computer at home so I could spend quality time with her and help her in her recovery.  I'm home now and home has never felt so good.  While I cherish the times I get to spend with my mom, I missed my family. Especially with what's gong on with Sean, my family has become more important to me in a way I never imagined.  While I was away I missed out on a fundraiser my daughter's work did for Sean but thanks to technology I was able to watch it live.  Jerry survived without me for 2 weeks...barely.  Now it's time to get back to writing.  

I've heard people say God doesn't give you more than you can handle but I strongly disagree with that.  He does give you more than you can handle so that you rely on Him to do what only He can do.  You see, I cannot heal my son.  I cannot take away his pain.  I cannot give him the energy or strength he needs to get through this, BUT GOD can.  I cannot give my 90 year old mother the stamina she needs to recover from this BUT GOD can.  I cannot physically force my 90 year old mother to move back home to Michigan where most of her family is BUT GOD can convince her to.  I cannot go through this life in my own strength.  Oh I can try, and trust me I have and it never works out good.

Let me be totally honest....I could and would not want to go through what I am going though without God's strength and without my faith that I have in Him!   It's hard being 1,700 miles away from my 90 year old mother.  It's hard watching my son go through a battle for his life.  It's hard watching his brand new wife deal with what they are both going through.  It's hard watching my daughters deal with all of this, watching their baby brother struggle.  It's hard!!!  It's difficult!!!  It sucks!!  It's not fair!!!  These thoughts can race through my head and draw me to tears.  Life is not easy and right now I am broken and overwhelmed.

BUT GOD....shows up and overwhelms me with His strength and His power.  My faith is renewed and energized by His unfailing love and grace.  BUT GOD...reminds me daily of all the people He has healed throughout all of history.  BUT GOD...makes the lame walk, the blind see, the deaf hear, and He has raised the dead back to life.  What is impossible with man is possible with God.  BUT GOD...can heal Sean.  BUT GOD...can convince my mom.  BUT GOD...has collected every tear I have shed.   BUT GOD...has wrapped His loving arms around me every time I come to Him broken and overwhelmed.

Funny thing is, well I think it's funny, when I usually break down and cry....it's in a church service during worship music.  And it's not always because I'm sad, it has been often been because God has been so good to me, He has blessed me in so many ways that I feel unworthy to stand in His presence and sing His praises.  My joy also brings me to tears but I often don't always let others see that side of me because I need to be strong for Sean and my daughters.  I need to be strong for my mom.  I need to be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.  I will daily put on the armor of God and allow His to fight for Sean and my mom in ways I cannot.  BUT GOD...is good and He is faithful and He still performs miracles.  

FEAST ON THE GOODNESS OF GOD

 

A few days before Sean and Meghan's wedding we decided to get together with the original 6 of us.  Just Jerry and I along with our 4 children.  It was an amazing time I will cherish forever, I think we all will.  The thing that was special about that night was that we sat there for hours reminiscing and laughing until their were tears of joy running down our faces. We talked about the past, we talked about the future, we talked about our life together as a family.  In the midst of Sean's circumstances we rejoiced and celebrated family.  While we celebrated family, while we ate and drank, while we laughed and giggled, I was reminded once again of the goodness of our God.

For some of you I know it can be hard to understand how I can be joyous during this time.  Well....I trust in God!  I have seen His goodness!  I have experienced His faithfulness even in the hard times.  In fact it's in the hard times that I need Him the most and He has never failed me.  His plan and purpose for my life has always been perfect even when I may not understand, I may not want to go through what I'm going through, and I may not even like it...He always comes through.  His goodness and faithfulness has gotten me through some very hard times.  There have been times I have laid face down on the floor in total surrender with tears running down my face onto the carpet, He showed up.  May not always in the way I expected or hoped for, but always in the way I needed Him too.  

So often I can get so caught up in my circumstances that I have lost sight of God.  I rely on myself or other flawed human beings to get me out of my circumstances and it never works out the way I had planned or hoped for.  "What about me?" is a question that gets into my heart sometimes.  That old sinful, selfish nature that creeps into my heart with all it's lies and schemes.  That is the strategy of the enemy in my life.  I can easily look on everything that's going wrong in my life and be overwhelmed and undone by the gravity of it all.  I can look at what I don't have, I can dwell on who has offended me, I can get wrapped up in "What about me?"

BUT GOD...steps in.  Instead of focusing on the wrongs, the wants, the broken dreams...I see His goodness and faithfulness all over my life.  I read about His unfailing love and mercy and I am overwhelmed and undone by His presence in my life.  I see God's love, goodness, and faithfulness every time I look into the eyes of my family.  Sean is going through something I never dreamed could happen but instead of focusing on the disease, I choose to focus on God's goodness and faithfulness.  After all God is still performing miracles.  He still heals and moves mountains.  BUT GOD!!!!       

JUST ANOTHER DAY

 

As I sit here on my back porch I'm enjoying the sunshine.  While I sit here comfortably breathing in the fresh air, my son is having his treatment.  It's sort of an odd feeling for me being here relaxed while he's going through what he's going through.  There's almost a guilty feeling that takes over me occasionally.   I don't like that guilty feeling.  I wish I could take his place but I can't.  As a mom it can be a helpless feeling watching your child go through something like this.  As a mom it can become overwhelming to the point that you may want to scream and cry.  I don't understand myself sometimes, because I don't feel overwhelmed.  I can't explain what I feel in terms many may not understand but just let me say this...my strength comes from my faith and belief in Jesus Christ. 

Yesterday at prayer there were lades there who were struggling with so many issues; medical issues, family issues, stress and fear.  Tears were being shed as they talked and I wondered why I always have felt so different.  I don't cry that often.  In fact it's sort of strange to me because when people talk about how overwhelmed they are by the things happening around them, I get excited.  I start thinking to myself .... "What's God gonna do through this situation?"  There have been times at have laughed at stressful situations because I can actually picture God at work in the situation in ways many of us never even imagined in our wildest dreams.

I know I'm different.  I even contacted one of my friends who joins us in prayer and asked her, "Is there something wrong with me?"  She actually laughed because she feels the same way occasionally.  Well at least I'm not alone.  Anyway in diving into my personality God revealed to me that the faith I have in Him is unique in many ways.  You see I hear Him talk with me through the power of the Holy Spirit.  I feel His presence within me and I know that no matter what happens in my life, He's with me.  I've seen Him move mountains in my life.  I've seen Him fight the enemy and win my battles for me.  I've seen the power of God on display many times.

Sean is in a battle that I cannot fight, neither can Sean.  God is the only one who can fight this battle and win.  God is the only one who knows the final outcome and I have placed my faith in Him because what is impossible with man, is possible with God. If God is for us, who dare be against us?  My faith rests in the one who is ALMIGHTY, EVERLASTING GOD! He can move the immovable, break the unbreakable!  I believe for it!!

AND SO IT BEGINS.....

 

Last week Sean started chemo and radiation to zap this diabolical junk to oblivion.  I actually picture a James Bond 007 gadget annihilating  all the cancer cells.  Or I also imagine PacMan eating all the cancer cells.  Imagination and our thoughts also have a great effect on how these treatments work.  Our mind is a very powerful tool that can be used to heal and restore health.  I'm sure you've heard people who commonly use the line; "I'm sick and tired of..." and if you take time to notice they usually are sick and tired physically.  Stress and our thoughts can determine our health.  I will not say, "Sean has c-----."  I will say "Sean has Christ!"  No matter what illness or disease I have, I will not make that part of my identity.  Sean has a wife named Meghan.  Sean has accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior.  Sean has 3 sisters and 3 brothers (in-law).  Sean has 3 nephews and 4 nieces.  Sean has a mom and dad who pray for his healing numerous times a day.  Sean will be healed in Jesus' Name!

While some won't agree with my rationality, that's okay.  This is the way my mind thinks and I thank God every day for renewing my mind.  While I could easily fall into a really good pity party, I refuse to.  I will not allow my thoughts to go down a path that God doesn't want me to go.  My reality is different than others.  My focus is on God and His healing powers.  My strength comes from Him.  My faith isn't in what the doctors can do, it's in what God can do through the doctors and also through nature.  God has gifted this world with healing herbs and plants that I can use for healing.  God has given us the proper food we can eat to restore our health and heal us internally. 

The journey to health can take us all on many different paths.  Doctors and medicine along with many natural products and the food we eat can work together to improve health.  What we eat, the air we breathe, our thoughts and how we live can all have major impacts on our health.   What we watch on TV, what we listen to and read can all have a great impact on our physical and mental health. Our whole body and every cell in our body is renewed daily.  God has given our body the power to heal itself in many ways.  It just takes determination and focus.  God has given us medicinal plants and herbs that the Indians used to promote healing.  I love the fact that there are healing herbs and plants that grow all around us but few of us know about them.  

While Sean goes through this process we continue to pray for wisdom and discernment, for healing and restored health, and for strength and recovery.  Thank you for all of your prayers.  Please continue to pray for Sean and Meghan. 

CAUGHT IN A STORM

 

Have you ever been caught in a storm where you felt like your life was in danger?  Maybe a tornado or a hurricane?  I don't ever remember a tornado I experienced first hand, I heard many horror stories of people who survived these kinds of storms.  But there are so many different types of storms we can experience, weather rrielated storms, emotional storms, mental storms and physical storms.  I have lived through many of each of these, in fact as you know I am watching my son live through one now.  The thing I cling to during these stormy times in my life is that I am going through them.  I'm not stuck in the middle of a hurricane for the rest of my life, I get through it.  

Storms are not easy to maneuver through whether it's weather related or personal.  It can be very challenging to live through but when I focus on what's ahead I can get through it, sometimes without a scar, sometimes with numerous scars.  The thing I love to remember about storms is it's something I have to go through in life.  If life was easy with no storms, no bumps in the road, I wouldn't need God. How can I grow if I never face challenges?  How can I learn if everything I need is placed in front of me?  

Right now in this stormy season in my life  stay focused on the here and now.  This present day is a present.  It is a gift that I get to enjoy with my God and my family.  I celebrate every single day now.  I focus on getting through this situation.  I focus on getting Sean healthy and staying healthy for the rest of his life.  It may not seem like much but for me it's a lot.  That means for me...getting through...means a lot of praying and an enormous amount of trust in God.  I truthfully don't know how people go through this kind of medical storm with no faith in God. I know I would not want to endure this without my faith and belief in Jesus Christ.  I would not be able to go through this without knowing God has a plan and a purpose.    

"Only a fool says there is no God!" Psalms 14:1  

This storm is a process that I am going through and eventually I will come out after the storm to see His promises fulfilled.  I am going through.  With God on my side, I will come out of this storm stronger and more confident in His faithfulness.

COMMUNITY

 

This is what a true Godly community looks like!  On Saturday we had an event to help a family in need of financial support for the future medical needs. For weeks we met and planned this event.  People volunteered endless hours and days to go around to businesses.  People volunteered their gifting's to make this a reality.  People gave from their hearts and their wallets.  It was heart warming yet very humbling to be a part of.  As I watched this all start to come together I was truly seeing what could happen when we all unite for a common cause.  It wasn't just our church body, it was friends, neighbors and family members who joined together to try to meet the needs of this family.  This is what a truly Godly community looks like.

Before the event began we gathered around the family and prayed over them.  There was not a dry eye in the place.  It was awesome, radical and life changing for me because at that very moment when I snapped these photos, I saw the glory of God present in that American Legion Hall.  I saw God's amazing love present with us as we prayed.  As we joined hands together there was only love.

Volunteers from all over worked wherever needed.  We had some last minute changes in volunteer needs because of sicknesses, but everyone stepped up and stepped in.  "I'll go where ever I'm needed" was repeated over and over and over by every volunteer.  There was one guy who washed dishes all night and yes his hands were wrinkled up prunes by the time the night was over.  But we heard no complaints, no grumbling, no whining.  Everyone just loved on this family and gave with grateful hearts.  It was beautiful.

I saw God show up in ways I never imagined.  I saw financial blessings for this family, I saw one friend fly in from Florida just to be there for them, I saw so many God moments I was amazed.  Why am I always amazed by God's special encounters?  You'd think I'd be used to it by now but I'm not.  I never want to take God's special moments for granted because they are always such a powerful blessing to me.  God moments, God encounters happen for me when I totally surrender myself.  When I raise my hands in praise during worship, the tears flow from my eyes because I know He is there with me.  When I pray every night before I go to sleep, I have peace because I know He is there.  Even in the stress of a diagnosis I don't want to hear about my son, God is with me giving me His strength, His power and His peace.  I know this is true for this family too. 

Community that gathers together to help others in crisis...God is there!

PEACE IN THE MIDST OF A STORM

 

Peace...ah sweet peace!  A peace that surpasses all understanding.  How can peace reign in my heart with this storm happening around me?  How can I possibly enjoy my life in the midst of uncertainty?  Why am I not living in a state of severe depression?  Why am I not crying a bucket of tears?  Truthfully there are days I want to cry not a bucket of tears but a river of tears.  I want to scream and shout from the mountain tops.  Why God why?  Then I hear the tender whisper of a still, small voice calming my every fear, my every doubt..."I am with you and I am with Sean.  I've got this.  Trust in me!  Hope in me!  Surrender your son into my hands.  What is impossible with man is possible with Me!"

How can I not be full of peace?  It's not my peace that I have right now, it is the peace of God which surpasses all human understanding.  My heart is filled with joy as I watch my son and his new wife.  My heart is full of gratitude for the love I see in both of their eyes.  My family is stronger than ever.  Joined in prayer and unity to fight this battle with Sean and Meghan.  United we stand, divided we fall.  We will not allow the enemy to defeat us in the storm.  His plan is to get us so distracted that we lose our focus...Not Today Satan!!!  You will not win!

While I do not always understand God's will for our lives, I do not always agree with His plan, I may even pray against His plan, but no matter what, His plan with prevail!  The thing is many of us have lost our faith and belief that God still heals.  Yes even with todays modern medicine...God still does the miraculous, the unbelievable, and the unexplainable.  Doctors become baffled and often cannot explain what happened.  Doctors become confused and bewildered when test results show the impossible.  

My faith is in God.  He will do what only He can do in the midst of a storm.  "Be still and know that I am God!"  That is one of my battle cries right now.  Continue to pray for Sean, his faith and confidence is so encouraging.  I love you all and your continued prayers and support lift us up.   

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

They knew the uphill battle they were facing when they said "I do"  They knew that "in sickness and in health" was true for them right now.  They knew that "in good times and bad" was something they were facing right now.  But that didn't matter.  Their love is very deep!  Meghan is the lady that Jerry and I prayed for for Sean.  Little did we know how much Sean would need her.  She is strong!  She is faithful!  She is a Jesus girl!  She love my son more than I could have ever dreamed.  When other women would have run away when facing the battle they do, she stayed!  She is fierce and determined to experience a future with Sean.  She prays and prays and prays some more.  She is his dream come true.

None of us know what life will throw at us.  Our minds and our heart will determine how we will handle the situations we are given.  We can be pitiful or powerful.  We can be angry or merciful.  We can be hateful or loving.  Either way we have a choice to make and the condition of our heart determines how we will act and react.  I have seen a lot of angry people recently, also a lot of depressed people.  This saddens me deeply because for the most part we can change our thoughts and control our actions and reactions.  We can decide to embrace life and love others or we can fight tooth and nail with others.  We can fall into a pool of despair or we can focus on Jesus Christ.

While it would be easy for me to fall into a pit of despair, I have decided not to.  I choose to look at the good.  I choose to live for today and embrace the blessings I have been given.  I want to cherish each and every moment I have been given.  I want to love every person I come across whether I agree with them or not.  I will not dwell on the news reports nor listen to any negative stuff.  I will not dwell in the past, I will not dwell on what is wrong in this world.  It's a choice!  

I remember one Deacon I heard talk about love....."Love is a decision.  Every day you wake up you have a choice to make, I choose to love." 

"When life throws you lemons, make lemonade!'  This saying is so true.  God has blessed me with the gift of choice and I choose life!  I choose love!  I choose forgiveness!  I choose mercy!   I choose Jesus Christ!  Why would I waste my life angry, bitter or depressed?  Why would I want that stress and anxiety in my life?  Jesus Christ does still heal!  His words speak life and hope!  He could run away from me with all my sins and struggles but He doesn't.  He is fierce!  He is strong!  He is faithful!  Now you see where Meghan gets it from...Jesus Christ.  

If you do not know Jesus Christ I challenge you to message me so I can tell you more about my Savior.  You'll never regret living life with Him but you will regret living life without Him.   

FINDING MY JOY AGAIN

 

I can honestly say that last week I lost my joy.  I lost my focus.  I lost my hope.  It has nothing really to do with my faith it's just repeating Sean's condition over and over and over became very overwhelming.  I know people mean well and they just want to know and usually I'm okay but for some reason it all became too much for me.  I stopped listening to praise music, I didn't read my Bible, I just lost my joy.  That is until my pastor started preaching on the book of James.  My friend Bonnie (who is going through similar circumstance only with her spouse) and I looked at each other and said, "Oh boy here we go."

You see if you've never read the book of James in the Bible, one of the first statements is "Consider it joy when you go through trials."  Okay I know I've talked about this in this blog before but this time it's different because I am going through a trial and so is Bonnie.  Do I want to be joyful?  Heck yes I do!  Can I be joyful right now?  I should be so what's my problem?  My problem is simple...I disconnected from the source of my joy...Jesus Christ.  Instead I listened to the voice of the enemy filling my head with lies and doubts and fears.  I became weak and Satan knew it.  He bombarded me with his agenda.  I lost focus.

When people asked me how I was doing, I'd say, "I'm doing okay." Now that answer isn't a bad answer but it is a weak one for me.  I don't want my words to be wind, whipped, whiney or weak.  I want my words to speak of God's enormous power.  Why would I not speak with power?   What was wrong with me?  I lost my joy and I lost my focus.  I can honestly say I felt pitiful and for me that is wrong!!!!!  

A few weeks ago one of my best friends went to give me a hug with tears in her eyes and she truthfully wanted to express her sympathy about the situation.  Since she's a dear friend I know I could do this...."I put up my hands and told her to stop.  I don't need tears, I don't need sympathy, I need strength, I need God's power at work in me.   She instantly knew what I was talking about and yes, we're still friends.   I knew she meant well, I knew she was just concerned but I need uplifting talk, positive talk.  She knows that about me, especially now.  LOL!

Anyway how can I have joy when life isn't going the way I expected?  How can I not have joy?  I have an amazing Savior named Jesus Christ who loves me and forgives me.  I have an awesome husband who loves my quirky ways.  I have 8 hilarious and fun children (4 are my biological children and 4 are their spouses whom I consider my children).  I have 7 grandchildren who are all quirky like me but in very different ways.  God is till in the miracle working business.  Sean is married to an amazing young lady who loves him to the moon and back.    I am blessed.

My joy is back!  My hope is back!  My focus is back!  

Thanks Pastor Brandon for getting me back on track!

REALITY HITS ME WHERE I NEVER EXPECTED

 

August 27th, 2021 is a day I will never forget.  When I received a phone call saying they were going to operate on Sean's brain I thought I was going to faint at first.  My heart started pounding so loud I could hear it.  My thoughts started to jumble up in my own brain.  What was happening?  How could this be?  Was I still dreaming?  Or was I in the middle of a nightmare waiting to be awaken?  This had to be a cruel joke.  This was not reality, was it?  It was not a joke it was real.  Now I had to call his sisters....not an easy task at 6:45 in the morning.  I kept my composure for the most part, but I was numb.  I didn't have time to fall apart, I didn't have time to cry, my son needed me, my daughters needed me, my family needed me to be strong, so I clung to Jesus Christ for my strength because I truthfully couldn't be strong in my own power, I needed His power at work in me.

As we drove to the hospital, Jerry and I prayed the whole way there.  We listened to worship music and God began a series of whispers to me that carried me through what could have been a very dark time.  "I've got this!  I have a plan!  Trust in Me!"  This was one of the first whispers I heard.  A great faith welled up in me that is hard for me to explain to you.  But I knew that no matter what the diagnosis was, no matter what the prognosis was, God had a plan and His plan would not fail. 

His sisters immediately called off work and cancelled all their plans to be by Sean's side.  His fiancé (now his wife) Meghan never left his side except to eat and once and a while she went home to shower.  I was instantly comforted by my family!  Just the sight of all of us all standing there supporting Sean through this was breathtaking and overwhelming.  We gathered together with Meghan's family and ours to pray over Sean.  The nurses there were outstanding even though there was only supposed to be 2 at a time, they allowed us all back there, all 9 of us. The nurses even fibbed to the doctor so that Meghan and Sean could get married in a quick ceremony before the surgery.  This made this momma's heart so proud and so grateful.  

Sean's surgery was about 2 hours and the news was what the doctors had thought but we awaited the official results which ended up taking almost 4 weeks to get the complete picture.  We have an official diagnosis but I will not go into detail because like I said in the last blog....BUT GOD!  In my heart and from the whispers from God Himself, I know He has Sean in the palm of His hands.  He has a plan.  God is still a miracle worker, a way maker.  He is still the Lord who heals, Jehovah-Rapha!  He is the cure Sean needs.  Jesus Christ took our sins to the cross but He also took all our sicknesses and diseases with Him to the cross.  By His stripes we are healed.

2 weeks later, Meghan and Sean had a beautiful wedding ceremony and went on a honeymoon to New York City.  Sean's scars are healed now and his hair has grown back.  Now we look forward to the treatments that will begin shortly.  But no matter what comes our way...BUT GOD!!  

 

WE ARE FAMILY

 I have really struggled with writing this blog right now, in fact I know Satan does not want me to write it because he's been messing with my computer for what seems like weeks.  I have tried and tried repeatedly to access my blogger account and was never able to get to it until today.  Google, Microsoft Edge....none of them would allow me to access the internet on my computer.  Coincidence?  I don't think so.  In fact I know it's not just a coincidence or just some random twist of fate.  Satan does not want me to tell what we, as a family, have been going through.  You see......

A month ago, my son was suffering from a very severe headache.  His fiancé rushed him to the hospital.  We all thought it was a severe migraine.  Well after the doctors read the CT report we knew otherwise.  There was a mass.  It was big enough to cause concern so they operated to remove the mass.  A few weeks later we heard the news.  It wasn't as bad as we were first told (Thank You God) but it's still the "c" word.  (FYI...I will not use the name of that "c" word.  I won't speak it or name it.)  The news wasn't the best, nor was it the worse.  I'm not telling you about this for sympathy or pity.  The fact that my son has to endure treatments in the future is hard and it has been difficult on all of us.  It came on so suddenly that we were all in a state of shock.  But as I started to pray about this i realized one thing....BUT GOD!

The doctors thought they knew what it was...BUT GOD knew differently.

The prognosis wasn't good...BUT GOD knew differently.

The doctors are putting a plan into place...BUT GOD has His own plan.   

I have shed tears and wondered why, then within the past few weeks here in the area where we live, there have been 4 - 5 teenage drivers killed in car crashes.  Through all of this God has reminded me of one simple truth...we are all terminal.  We will all die eventually but none of us know when, where or how. Our life here on Earth is very short in light of eternity.  It seems like just yesterday I was holding my son in my arms rocking him to sleep.  It seems like just yesterday that he got on the school bus for the first time.  It seems like just yesterday that he wrecked his first car.  It seems like just yesterday he married the girl of his dreams...oh wait that was only 3 weeks ago.

BUT GOD...is still in the miracle working business.  BUT GOD...can heal my son.  BUT GOD...can do the impossible.  BUT GOD...BUT GOD...BUT GOD...BUT GOD!

My faith lies in the simple fact that God still performs miracles.  He is still God Almighty, All Powerful!  He has a plan for my son and His plan is perfect and good.  Through all of this I have seen our family pull together in ways I never imagined.  I have witnessed the intense love between my son and his new wife.  I have a peace that surpasses all human understanding.  I know God is in control and I believe His plan is already in place.  

I know where my son will spend eternity, where will you?  Heaven and hell are real and Jesus Christ died so that you could be forgiven and live in eternity with Him.  It's a choice...be careful Who you choose to follow because an eternity in hell sounds terrible.     

THIS JOURNEY CALLED "LIFE"

 

This journey called life can be so very challenging.  No matter how much I plan for the future, things happen that propel me into a different direction than I ever imagined.  In my lifetime there have been many left turns instead of right turns, there have been potholes I had to avoid and of course there are road blocks and detours that take me off the path I think I should be on.  Even now with GPS I can be taken down a road I never intended to travel.  Life is like that isn't it?  It's a journey into the unknown.  It's a journey that can take me anywhere at anytime to anyplace whether I want to be there at that time of not.  

Do I get to vote on what life experiences I'd like to try?  That'd be fun and rather convenient wouldn't it?  I can think of some experiences I'd love to try but there are definitely some I'd like to avoid.  But that is not the way life goes, does it?  Every time things are going good, life is sweet and the path I'm on is straight, I begin to take things and people for granted.  After all, the people I love will always be around.  Right?  Wrong!!!  

This past few weeks in our area there are parents who have lost their teenage sons in auto accidents.  It's so hard to watch this happening yet it propels me into a state of appreciation.  It helps me focus on what's really important in life.  It's helps me lessen the pull from the distractions in life and refocus on God's goodness and faithfulness.  It helps me to focus on my blessings.  It causes me to pause and ponder the truth of God's word. 

God is all powerful.  He is with us, His Holy Spirit lives in us and Jesus Christ is the only way to eternity with God.  I trust in God.  I may not always understand what He does or why He does what He does, but I trust in Him.  He is my refuge, my fortress, my rock on which I stand.  He is my safe hiding place.  He is my hope!!  I don't want to imagine what my life would be without having Jesus Christ as my Savior.