WHAT LOAD ARE YOU CARRYING?

 

My sweet Shelby loves to carry things in her arms.  For the most part she only carries what she can handle but there are occasions that she thinks she can carry a load that is way too big for her.  Life is like that many times in our lives.  We get so used to carry the load that we don’t realize the load is way too much for us to bear.  We get overwhelmed and burdened to the point of collapsing and then we fall apart.  It has happened to me many times especially recently with all that Sean is going through.  I try to find solutions that maybe he doesn’t want to listen to, (I am still his mom) or I try to hide my tears so he doesn’t see me fall apart or I just keep carrying my fears without letting them out because I still believe in miracles and how can I believe in miracles and still have fears and doubts?

I’m human.  I am a believer in Jesus Christ and I know miracles happen every day.  I have experienced them first hand.  But what load am I carrying that God has told me to let go of?  Then I begin to feel overwhelmed because if this is what I’m feeling, what is Sean feeling?   Is he carrying to big of a load?  It’s hard for me to imagine as a mom, watching my son deal with issues I have never dealt with.  I don’t want him carrying a load that he is not designed to carry.  I want to take it all away and carry it myself, but I can’t.   I can’t…BUT GOD can and He will, if we let go of it and give it to Him.

BUT GOD….BUT GOD….BUT GOD

He can make the impossible possible. He can do what only He can do.  He can carry the load we try to carry.  When we place our load, our burdens in His Mighty hands, He does the impossible.  But….we have to do what we can do.  We can’t just sit on the sidelines and hand all our burdens to God without doing our part also.   What can we do?  Pray!  Investigate all the endless possibilities that is out there.  In Sean’s case, there are numerous doctors with numerous opinions, there are natural doctors who rely on God’s healing plants along with medicine, there are so many options to check into BUT GOD…will direct the path if we let Him.  

Life is a journey that takes us down roads we never imagined. BUT GOD…with Him as our GPS system, we can’t make a wrong turn.  I trust in God!   I give Him the load I cannot carry any longer.  I lay my burdens at the foot of the cross and surrender it all to Him!  

THANKSGIVING IN THE MIDST OF A STORM?

 

Thanksgiving in the midst of the storm the enemy is throwing at us?  Is that possible?  YES!!!  It's not only possible for me it's mandatory.  I know my mind and my heart work differently than most people.  I will continue to Praise God in the Storm.  In fact I realize with what my son is going through that it's so very easy to praise God when everything is going great.  When there is no curves on the road I'm traveling, praise comes easy.  When I'm headed towards a cliff, when a hurricane size storm is my reality, praise can be difficult, but it's the only thing that refreshes my soul and gives me the strength and power I need to endure this storm.  Praise....Thanksgiving is my necessity!  It is mandatory for me right now!!

What do I have to be thankful for you may ask?  Well if I may list just a few it would be these things... I am grateful for the doctors who are treating Sean,  I am thankful for the treatments that are helping him, I am thankful this was discovered when it was, but most of all I am so thankful to God for bringing Meghan into Sean's life for such a time as this.  Her faithfulness to God and Sean is something I witness constantly.  Her strength is amazing and her love for Sean I prayed for and to be honest, I am awestruck by her devotion to God and Sean.  These are just a very few things that I am thankful for.  If I would list all the things I have to be thankful for I would be writing the list for years. 

It's so easy to dwell on what's wrong, what's hard, what's difficult.  It's so easy to get lost in the negative.  Yes, there are times, if I am honest, I can get lost in the negative, BUT GOD...reminds me of the blessings in my life.  I could dwell on Sean's prognosis or I can dwell on the healing power of God.  I could dwell in anger at a good God who would do this to my boy, or I can what a blessing Sean is to me.  There are so many choices I get to make in my lifetime and right now I choose to praise God. 

There is something about praising God that just lifts my Spirit and makes my heart happy.  Praise always makes us feel better.  Think about how great you feel when someone gives you a compliment...it makes you feel better doesn't it?  There is something about praising God especially in the midst of a storm.  So tomorrow I will give thanks to God for my son Sean and I will thank God for His continuing healing at work in Sean's body.  I will give thanks for my family; Jerry, Beky, Jeff, Zakkary, Zoey, Amanda, Kelly, Nicholas, Brooklyn, Kristen, Ryan, Sadie, Kyle, Shelby, Sean and Meghan.  

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU ALL!

 

ROUND ONE—-COMPLETE

 Round one is complete!   Sean got to ring the bell signaling the completion of round one!  While this journey is far from over, this was a good day.  We were able to celebrate one victory!  It was good to rejoice today.  I never thought about the significance of this bell ringing but for me it was awesome to experience with my son and the rest of our family.   Family has taken on a new dimension for us in light of this journey.   To see my daughters take off work to be there for their brother was touching.   I always hoped and prayed that we would be a strong family but we’ve never been tested like this before.  Let me just brag on my children for a moment, indulge me please.  

My daughters set up a go fund me account, they have created and paid for the #SeanStrong bracelets, they have had t-shirts and sweatshirts made and sold to support Sean and Meghan, they have set up meals to be delivered 3 days a week, and they have cooked for them, a grandson made sure their grass was cut, then one of my daughters work hosted a fundraiser.   It has been so heart warming for this momma’s heart to see them all unite in their efforts to help Sean but also unite in prayer.  Every night we pray Psalm 91 for Sean.  I am blown away by their love and support, but to be honest I’m not surprised.   We did our best to raise them to understand that family is extremely important.   

As we all as a family try to gather our thoughts and make plans to celebrate the holidays, my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride.  I can’t lie…some days are difficult then God reminds me that He is in control and I have to keep trusting in Him.  I know this simple truth that I cling to…my God is well aware of what’s going on, He didn’t cause this to happen to Sean but somehow He will work it all out for His glory and my God still heals and performs miracles every day.   My faith has helped me so much during this time, even when I’m struggling with my emotions, God has held me and comforted me through His Holy Spirit.   

I am so grateful to each and every one of you who are praying and helping in any way possible.  So many people stop and ask me about Sean and while his journey is far from over, he has kept smiling and enjoying his new life as a husband.  Please keep praying!   

IT'S OKAY TO NOT ALWAYS BE OKAY

 It's okay to not always be okay.  It's okay to cry.  I don't always have to be "Great" or even "good".  Right now there are days I feel sad and overwhelmed.  That does not mean my faith in God is less it just means that I am in a difficult season of life.  I still have faith that God will perform a miracle and heal Sean, I know He can, but it's just hard watching this process and sitting on the sidelines.  Like I said before, I cannot do anything to make this better.  I cannot wave a magic wand and make this "c" disappear.  I'd like to be able to but God is not a magic Jeannie in a bottle.  He does things His way and in is timing.  I trust in Him, I really do, it's just difficult at times.

The thing I need to watch out for is not to get caught up in this trap of pity and sadness.  That's what the enemy would love for me to do right now.  He wants me overwhelmed with Sean's present circumstances and to be honest occasionally I do that is until I hear that still, small voice whispering in my ear..."I've got Sean in the palm of my hands.  Trust in me.  Surrender Sean to me."  I know God has my son.  I trust in Him but I'm human and I try to change things I have no power to change. So what do I do when I can't change things?  I pray!!!!

Prayer for me, especially right now in this season of my life, it recharges me and reconnects me to the only one who can heal Sean.  Prayer restores my faith and boosts my emotions.  How?  Well read the Bible!  There are so many times God answered the prayers of His faithful believers.  Look at the things He has done that is just documented in the Bible....He parted the Red Sea, He healed the lame and gave sight to the blind.  He made the deaf hear and He healed the lepers.  He also raised the dead.  There is nothing that my God cannot do.

 There are so many people out there going through worse situations than our family.  I cannot imagine what it would be like to go through these trials without my faith in God.  I would be a basket case.  Jerry would have to have me locked up in the looney bin.  But aside from God there are also my family and friends, especially church friends who help to build up my faith, they also allow me to cry on their shoulders.  There are certain friends who check in on me, they are my Jesus with skin on.  Listen most of the time I'm doing fine and enjoying life but there are times when I'm not okay, and that's okay.  Life is a journey of ups and downs.  No matter what I'm going through, God's got me and He always sends His human angels to listen to me and hold me.   It's okay to not always be okay. 

I AM SURROUNDED BY GRACE

Life is short.  None of us know how long we will be alive on this earth.  Why are we wasting so much time being angry, offended and separated from loved ones?  With all Sean has been going through this lesson for me rings so true.  Family and friendships are so important, too important to allow differences to separate us!  

I am Surrounded by grace.

 My girls (yes Meghan is one of my girls.  I didn’t give birth to her but she is my daughter), my granddaughters, my female tribe that surrounds me is a force to be afraid of.  Together we can do mighty things for God and our family.  We have fought sicknesses together, we have praised God together, we have supported each other through many trials and storms.  The thing about these girls is we all stand together.   We may not vote the same, we may not discipline our children the same way, we may not agree on everything except one big thing….WE ARE FAMILY!  The old saying…United we stand, divided we fall is one of my strong beliefs.  

We are family, there will be differences.  God made us all unique.  How boring would life be if everyone was exactly the same?  If everyone believed the same?  If everyone voted the same? If everyone looked the same?  That would be terrible.  But what is also terrible is allowing our differences, our unique qualities, to divide and destroy families and friendships.  Do we really expect everyone to believe as we do?  And if they don’t than we can’t be friends or be around them?  What ever happened to grace?

If God can give us grace and accept us with all our unique quirkiness, why can’t we accept others?  I mean truly, God knows our deepest, darkest secrets.  You know those secrets we try to hide from God and others?  You know those sins we are so ashamed of that we have a hard time even confessing them to God?  He knows them all, He knows us better than we know ourselves.  In fact He knows we’re honing to sin before we do, yet He gives us grace when we believe in His Son Jesus Christ.   If He can give us grace, why can’t we give grace to our family and friends?

I sit back and think about my children and all the mistakes they have made in their lives, yet I give them grace.   Why?  Well they give me grace.  I was not the perfect parent, not even close.  I screwed up, I forgot things I should have remembered, I yelled when I shouldn’t have, and so on and so on.  Life is messy and we are all unique failures.  Why not allow grace to flow through us to other unique failures like ourselves?

IT’S SNOWING

 

The simple, serene beauty of snow.  The purity of the white snow covers a multitude of junk that is hidden beneath it.  As I look at the beauty of the snow I am reminded of God’s eternal and amazing grace that also covers a multitude of my junk, my sins.  His grace does not dwell on what lies beneath, His grace looks at the purity of Jesus’s death on the cross.  Jesus’s blood has covered all my sins up and washed them away.   His grace looks at my brokenness and failures and sees Jesus!  His grace touches my sorrow and turns it into joy.  My weeping has been turned into dancing.  In my weakness, His strength prevails through me.   When I am lost in a sea of despair, He finds me and restores my soul.  

You see this journey I am on right now as a mother of a son who has “c” is not easy.  I’m sure it’s not easy for Sean, I know it’s not easy for him, but as a mom I’m used to taking care of my children and bandaging their wounds and kissing their booboos and making them all better….I can’t do that with this.  I can’t kiss away the pain, I can’t make it better, BUT GOD can.  Sometimes I get lost on what I can’t do instead of focusing on what I can do…PRAY.  Also I can just be there to listen and help physically any way I can.  The thing I have to constantly refocus on is this simple truth…I cannot change Sean’s circumstances, BUT GOD can.  I cannot heal Sean, BUT GOD can.  

You may eventually get tired of all my BUT GOD moments, but I won’t stop, sorry.  To me these BUT GOD moments daily remind me that He is in control of all of this.  It reminds me that no matter what happens I need to rely on Him and Him alone!  These BUT GOD truths are just what I need to focus on, these are the truths that I cling to.  His grace, His sovereignty, His power is at work in all of our lives right now.  I have no idea what the future holds for me let alone for anyone else, BUT GOD does.  

BUT GOD…loves Sean more than I do.  BUT GOD…has a perfect plan for Sean’s life. BUT GOD….already knows Sean’s future.  That is what I believe and trust in.  If you have never truly experienced the goodness of my God I ask you to please message me so I can guide you into an experience you will NEVER regret. If you are going through struggles with health issues and need an ear to listen, I am here.  If you need to scream or cry or vent, I will listen.   If you long to join me in praising a God who never fails….join me.  

BUT GOD......

Where have I been?  I know you're all wondering where I've been.  Well my 90 year old mom, who lives out in Arizona, had to have a pacemaker put in so I had to rush out to be with her and help her and I left my computer at home so I could spend quality time with her and help her in her recovery.  I'm home now and home has never felt so good.  While I cherish the times I get to spend with my mom, I missed my family. Especially with what's gong on with Sean, my family has become more important to me in a way I never imagined.  While I was away I missed out on a fundraiser my daughter's work did for Sean but thanks to technology I was able to watch it live.  Jerry survived without me for 2 weeks...barely.  Now it's time to get back to writing.  

I've heard people say God doesn't give you more than you can handle but I strongly disagree with that.  He does give you more than you can handle so that you rely on Him to do what only He can do.  You see, I cannot heal my son.  I cannot take away his pain.  I cannot give him the energy or strength he needs to get through this, BUT GOD can.  I cannot give my 90 year old mother the stamina she needs to recover from this BUT GOD can.  I cannot physically force my 90 year old mother to move back home to Michigan where most of her family is BUT GOD can convince her to.  I cannot go through this life in my own strength.  Oh I can try, and trust me I have and it never works out good.

Let me be totally honest....I could and would not want to go through what I am going though without God's strength and without my faith that I have in Him!   It's hard being 1,700 miles away from my 90 year old mother.  It's hard watching my son go through a battle for his life.  It's hard watching his brand new wife deal with what they are both going through.  It's hard watching my daughters deal with all of this, watching their baby brother struggle.  It's hard!!!  It's difficult!!!  It sucks!!  It's not fair!!!  These thoughts can race through my head and draw me to tears.  Life is not easy and right now I am broken and overwhelmed.

BUT GOD....shows up and overwhelms me with His strength and His power.  My faith is renewed and energized by His unfailing love and grace.  BUT GOD...reminds me daily of all the people He has healed throughout all of history.  BUT GOD...makes the lame walk, the blind see, the deaf hear, and He has raised the dead back to life.  What is impossible with man is possible with God.  BUT GOD...can heal Sean.  BUT GOD...can convince my mom.  BUT GOD...has collected every tear I have shed.   BUT GOD...has wrapped His loving arms around me every time I come to Him broken and overwhelmed.

Funny thing is, well I think it's funny, when I usually break down and cry....it's in a church service during worship music.  And it's not always because I'm sad, it has been often been because God has been so good to me, He has blessed me in so many ways that I feel unworthy to stand in His presence and sing His praises.  My joy also brings me to tears but I often don't always let others see that side of me because I need to be strong for Sean and my daughters.  I need to be strong for my mom.  I need to be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.  I will daily put on the armor of God and allow His to fight for Sean and my mom in ways I cannot.  BUT GOD...is good and He is faithful and He still performs miracles.