Have you ever had one of those nights where you toss and turn? One of those nights that feels like sleep is non existent? I had one of those nights Saturday. Sleep? Yea right. My mind was fighting me and nothing I took seemed to help me sleep. Usually my mind is quite relaxed but Saturday was both the case. I was confused. I was puzzled. I felt broken. No one had done or said anything to me. Nothing dramatic happened. Thoughts had invaded my mind and I let them in. In fact I am still trying to understand what they meant and who they are from. Are they my thoughts? Are they thoughts from the devil? Or are these thoughts actually from God?
You see, I have been toying with ending this blog. There are so many blogs and so many people with different opinions that I sit and wonder if God is really using me through this blog or I am doing this for my own purposes. Since the beginning I truly felt God was the author of this blog, but recently I have had my doubts. I do not want to continue this if I am doing this on my own. The only way I want to continue is if God is the one in charge.
Saturday night, I asked, I prayed and I wrestled with God. I know that the devil is the author of confusion, but I still wonder what I am doing. I have never had any schooling in writing and I am not qualified to teach anyone anything, yet I still feel called to write this blog. Why? I still feel like I am wrestling with God. No clear answer is in front of me, no clear direction.
Gen 32:24-26 And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob's hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, "Let me go, for the day has broken." But Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
Jacob wrestled with God and did not let go of Him until He blessed him. Maybe I should do the same? I don't know, I am still confused and puzzled but for now I will continue. I think Jacob felt the same way. Still instead of giving up, instead of walking away, Jacob held on to God and fought to get God's blessings.
Saturday night I fought back the tears, I dealt with the disappointments and the expectations. I wrestled with the truth and the lies. My mind has been overwhelmed and my heart is still full of questions. So pray for me as I continue this wrestling process.
Lord clear my mind and my heart. Show me the truth, show me the light. Guide me in Jesus name I pray, amen!
Hey there Aunt Deb,
ReplyDeleteThis is the first time I've read any of your entries in your blog, but I have the day off of work, and I figured I'd put in my two cents with you for what it's worth (it could be worth a nickel for all I know).
Use the blog not only as a tool to reach out to others who may be struggling or wrestling with issues in their life, but use it simply to share your opinion and witness in your own way. You never know who you may connect to, or who you may help and in what way you may help them with their personal struggles.
Also know this, everyone is going to have their own opinion and account and expression of faith, this is important, God made each one of us individually. I believe it is important to share our beliefs and respect the views of others too (although we may not always agree with what they may have to say or their viewpoint) we are adults and can have educated discussions and you never know what we may learn from one another (whether it is in the moment you learn or a day, week, month or year later from that experience).
I say keep an open mind. Use this to share your experiences and reach out to those, keep an open mind and God will work His will in His way through your writing - you may not always see it, but it is there in some form or fashion.
Tim Mc.
Thanks Tim!
Deletegood read - I can relate - but what I have learned is that when we think we are wrestling with God - we are really wrestling with the devil - as you said - God had already given everything to adam and eve - yet it was the devil who suggested to eve that God didn't really mean what he said and thus the first wrestling match between man and God began! I like your blog!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteWords will never be able to explain just how proud that I am of you for doing something like this that you have never felt comfortable in doing. Yet, you took a leap of faith any way and put your trust in your Heavenly Father that he would guide you to write what you felt from your heart. You have done a tremendous job and I know that you have touched others and helped them thru there tough times with your beautiful thoughts. Solomon said there is a season for everything and only you can know if your season is over. Whatever you decide I just want you to know that you have given me, our children and grandchildren, and many others words and thoughts that if we put them in a book could be called Debra's thoughts from her heart. Jesus knows your heart..and so do I and it is so very beautiful. Thanks for blessing me with your thoughts!
ReplyDeleteThanks sweetie! Love you!
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