GETTING OVER MYSELF

Ouch!  Ouch!  Ouch!! Me, myself and I have been beaten, battered and bruised by the truth.  What truth?  The truth about my pride.  It has become clear to me that I have pride issues.  Yea, it's nothing I really want to admit because the truth hurts, and it hurts badly.  Pride is one of those things that builds me up, puffs me up and makes me think I'm better than everyone else.  It gives me a false sense of security and a rather high opinion of myself.  Maybe also it's a disguise to hide the real feelings of what you think about yourself.  Maybe pride is a mask I wear to hide the reality of me.

Is being proud wrong?  I'm trying to discover the truth.  I think being proud of myself is wrong, in fact I know being proud of myself is wrong.  Being proud of all I have accomplished, which isn't much, is wrong.  But I don't think it's wrong for me to be proud of my children and grandchildren.  I don't think it's wrong for me to be proud of my husband and all he has done in his life.  But selfish pride is wrong.  At least to me it is.  And even though I have lived in a state of selfish pride, I just got knocked off my ladder.  Ouch!

Yea I put myself on a ladder.  Oh now come on, I know I'm not the only one, maybe just one of the few who are willing to admit it.  The thing is when I got knocked off my ladder yesterday at church, I fell victim to the lies of the enemy.  Instead of praying about it, instead of reading God's word about it, I dove into another series of episodes of "Say Yes To The Dress".  It took my mind off myself and the truth of my pride.  For a few hours my word was wrapped in a myriad of tulle and crystals and satin and lace.  For a few hours I didn't have to listen to the lies of the enemy, the problem was I also was listening to the truth God was trying to speak to me.  

The lies were obvious and right to the point which landed me into a pit of despair and wondering if I matter to anyone.  Yes I had an old fashioned pity party that lasted almost 24 hours.  Why wasn't I a better mom?  Why wasn't I a better wife?  Why wasn't I a better friend?  Does anyone even care about me?  As a meemaw (grandma) I stink, right?  As a daughter, I'm not doing too good on that one, right?  Oh my goodness, I could go one for pages and pages and pages of the lies that penetrated this rather thick skull of mine.  I got knocked off my ladder and plunged into the pit of hell, at least that's what it felt like. 

Proverbs 16:18  Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall

Well, I fell!!  It saddens me to admit that, but I am so grateful that even though I listened to the lies of the enemy, Jesus Christ Himself, reached down in the pit and pulled me out.  But trust me it wasn't until after a pool of tears was shed.  As I stood in my shower this morning, the tears just flowed.  The reality of the pity party I had just thrown for myself was over!  My pride is gone, I hope!  To be honest I never want to go through that again.  It was painful, yet very humbling.

I think that is why Jesus let me wallow in the pity party for so long this time.  I think He knew that if I wallowed for a while, maybe, just maybe, He could get through to me that without Him, I am nothing.  Without Him I can do nothing.  Without Him I am empty.  No matter how often I bang my own drum or put myself first, it is not real and it is definitely not fulfilling.  

Trophies and awards collect dust.  They rust and fade away.  The applause stops.  The accolades will end.  The pats on the back for a job well done, will cease.  Pride always, ALWAYS, ends in a fall.  Boasting, bragging, pride are life killers, at least for me. But they are also life drainers.  Because after all I say and do, after all the times I worry and fret about what others think about me, at the end of my life nothing matters as much as what God thinks about me.

Jesus, who could have and should have been filled with pride, wasn't.  After all He was God's Son!  He was (and is) King of Kings, Lord of Lords, the first and the last, the beginning and the end, yet He was NEVER filled with pride.  If I am to truly live like Jesus I have to develop humility.  So to be honest, I am so glad I got knocked off my ladder!  Thank you Pastor John for always speaking God's truth, no matter how painful it may be.

Lord, forgive me for being prideful.  Forgive me for thinking of myself first.  Give me a humble heart.  Give me a servants heart, in Jesus name I pray, amen.